Facebook Status: What’s one thing you can do today to make someone else laugh? Did you do it yet? How about now?

Facebook Status: I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed but at least I’m not that weird rusty one in the back that no one knows how to use.

Facebook Status: Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a Brie?

Facebook Status: I hate it when I plan a conversation in my head, but then the other person doesn’t follow the script.

Facebook Status: Tonight, I’m gonna have myself a real good time and avoid everyone within a 5km radius.

Facebook Status: I just want less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.