Facebook Status: I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

Facebook Status: The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so they can tell when they’re really in trouble.

Facebook Status: Why do people believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Facebook Status: By the time someone realises that their parent was right, they have a child who thinks they’re wrong.

Facebook Status: Bought some batteries for my children as gift and stuck a note on it saying: ‘Toys not included.’

Facebook Status: I’d like to help you out – which way did you come in?